Very vulgar. And very angry.

Why do I cut myself? Oh, I know. I get angry easily. So, in order to relieve this anger, I do like to cut myself. I find the blade to be more fitting on the wrist as it is more sensitive. Maybe a few cuts here and there would suffice and I'm back. As a matter of fact, I'm not just back. I stop caring. Once the blood seeps out of the wound, I feel better because I no longer care. Care. Who cares? I don't any more. I ceased to expect anything positive any longer. Maybe I shouldn't even have a boyfriend any longer just so the anger stops. I get angry because of him. Because of him I feel powerless and stupid. Undefined. I feel powerless. When I cut myself, I somehow feel more calm and collected. I don't want to go out any more. What's the point? I'm always surrounded by so many bad things that could happen so why should I subject myself to those things?

I got ready today and felt nice. I didn't expect anything. I did in my mind, but I didn't allow myself to become the target of yet another let-down. I did feel nice. I looked nice. I really tried, I did. I curled my hair. I showered. I shaved. I used really good-smelling shampoo and conditioner. I spent time with my make-up trying to perfect it for him. Three times. Three times he said he couldn't make it and three times I spent hours getting ready. I'm getting sick and fucking tired of it. Sure, I may be overdoing it, but I can't handle the fact that people can't remember a single fucking thing thus making me go out of my way for nothing. Now he'd like to hang out on Sunday. Fuck Sunday. Monday? Fuck Monday. The rest of the vacation? I've got other fucking plans.

I'm not even on my period so obviously this is coming from me. I get butt hurt easily. I get angry and frustrated easily. Why couldn't he just tell me no instead of keeping me hanging? I knew I shouldn't expect anything. How did I fucking know he would bail on me? How the fuck did I pissing know...

Depression Hurts

...and that's why Ambilify can help when depression hits hard. It was hard to admit that I was depressed. It was even harder to hear my doctor diagnose me professionally with moderate depression. I kind of saw it coming anyway. For about a year, this whole emotionless thing has been going on and off. If anything, the only emotion I felt was sadness. I feel sick all the time. Like nauseous. I can hardly eat and I weigh 96 pounds at a height of 5'3. My doctor said it wasn't too bad, but, honestly, this skinny frame is disgusting.

I just don't feel the same, but I don't know what it is. It could be all of my suppressed feelings from childhood coming back at me all at once. Every morning I wake up, but at the same time I don't. It's like I'm not here emotionally and almost physically. I try so hard to find myself in the location I am in, but I just can't feel myself. Yeah, yeah it sounds very dramatic. I think that's the biggest problem about this depression. I want to know if that's even a symptom or if I'm just going nuts. I have never talked to anyone who was truly depressed, so how would I know what's normal and what's not. I wish I could talk to someone who has gone through it, faced it, and punched it in the throat.

Better Together

Before I talk about what I recently wanted to talk about, I just wanted to state that the contest I kept ranting about should have been over and the winners announced. Sadly, the site shut down for some crippling reason. Rest assured, it's not a scam. I suppose there were a few legal conflicts that occurred, but I so badly want my damn prizes. Now let's talk about the good stuff:

To make the long story a bit short, it's lovely to be loved. It's nice. Very nice. I'll admit I've been such a pain in the ass when it comes to some good ol' fashioned lovin'. I receive, but I never give. Okay, that sounds completely wrong. What I'm trying to say is that I don't usually give in to men who want anything to do with me romantically. Some may be persistent, but that usually doesn't stop me in my tracks. However, there was something different about who I'm linked to at the moment. Sure, he's also a pain in the ass (not in the heartless way I am), but it's funny how certain things have been working out between us. When I say he's persistent, I really mean it. He told me himself when I was on the edge of quitting that I can quit, but that won't stop him. Me being dead probably wouldn't stop him either...somehow. 

Like my eating habits, I am fairly picky with my men. My standards are higher than you can imagine and I have this "wall" that's been built tough over the years and few months due to major complications that I do not wish to speak of. Getting back to my point, this manbearpig taught me to see past these "perfections" I look for in a person. In a way, it's a good thing to have such high standards in order to avoid heartache, but life's bitches can't be avoided all the time. Either way, it's not like I'll be marrying the guy. How would I even know what my true standards are until I come across them? It won't hurt to find out and explore. It's better to fall and get up a stronger person, I believe. 

Anyway, I'm halfway happy with my situation. There are a few malfunctioning parts to this relationship I'm in, but I need to learn to get past them if it's not important. So...we'll see what happens from here. Until now, that palm reader who told me I'd have two kids and never get married: get a straw, put it in a juice box, and suck it.  

Last Day to Vote

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

Keep Viewing and Voting!

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

The More the Better

Vote away, friends.

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

ARGH

Somehow my videos I entered never mentioned blogspot! So here it goes again:

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

Round 2

I made the top 50. Vote for both of these entries:

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 2 Sponsored by Xbox

Hmm

The fact that I posted my second video up on Blogspot isn't showing up as one of my posts. So I'm going to post it up again. Ta-da:

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 1

Sponsored by Xbox
">BAM

Vote or Die 2

Here's another one of my videos. I'm so bummed the quality turned out terrible. However, if you vote for me your life will be amazing. So will mine.

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 1

Sponsored by Xbox
">Kinect Competition 2

Vote or Die (READ THIS)

I suppose if I include the following link, people will probably know I have a blog site and figure out my little secrets. However, that's okay with me because I'm willing to risk it for a chance to win an xbox 360, a Kinect, and a 55" LCD television. What up?!

So let me get to the point. I have entered a contest to win the previously mentioned items. It's a dance video. If you watch, vote, and/or review my video I have a greater chance at winning. I don't know how many people will be seeing this anyway, but it's definitely worth a shot and I have absolutely nothing to lose. The link is as follows:

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 1

Sponsored by Xbox
">

Kinect™ for Xbox 360® presents the Dance Central Dance Battle, Round 1 Sponsored by Xbox

If you vote once every day until January 26, I'll love you four times a day. That's four times as much as your vote. No worries, it's not a spam at all. It won't take you to a virus-infected site. It's all in good, clean fun.

I'm Still Here

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails. A little dash of lies, a boiling pot of lust, a hint of devious remarks, and a sudden loss of trust. That's what little boys are made of. 

Okay, I was being rather harsh. Not all boys are made of puppy dog tails. On a relevant note though, I would like to point out that women are made of about the same ingredients. There are, however, a good amount of exceptions. So don't go on telling me that I'm just like all women who generalize. They're just really hard to find and pick out. Like a piece of hay in a needle stack. Before you get to the thing you're looking for, you'll probably get hurt during the process. 

Actually, I think I would like to make my first blog of the new year a happy one. Let me start...Happy New Year! 

I obviously got too lazy and tired to think about what I want to say.